The “EX-FILE”

The month of March has been an interesting month so far. 

Last week, I learned that my ex- partner passed away. I just happened to be scrolling through my social media feed that morning and came across a photo of a friend and an ex-suitor. Seeing friends together in photos isn’t anything new, that’s what these platforms are all about, right? Anyway, as l read the accompanying verbiage I discovered that my ex-mate had died. 

My ex-significant other has been an “ex” for more than 25 years now, but this is the first time I have personally experienced having an ex-main squeeze die. I’ve dealt with the death of good friends before, such as my creatively talented and dear buddy, Jeff Scott (Frayer) back in January 2021, but this loss was a different type of sadness. It felt weird. I can only compare it to waking up from a really strange dream and having a faint recollection of the details. 

My ex-lover has a place of significance in my life because this was the first relationship where I actually lived with someone, and in another country too. After I read the social media post, I called my friend Greg who made the post. He was about to give me a call, but I beat him to the punch. My friend Greg recently lost his father and was actually attending a service later in the day for him. In 1996, while I was living in Amsterdam, Greg flew out to visit me. He was one of my first U.S. friends to come to Amsterdam to see me in my new life there. The three of us really had a good time. It was fun showing Greg the sites of the city. It was spring, so it was a perfect time to take a trip to the world famous Keukenhof Tulip Gardens. 

After Edward and I broke up, Greg and the ex remained friends. In fact, years later, the two of them would travel throughout various cities in Europe together. That may seem strange to some people when an ex and a friend become friends. I didn’t have an issue with it. At the time, I had known Greg for close to 30 years. If these two adults wanted to have a friendship, so be it. I was out of the picture and wasn’t going to interfere. Besides, Edward was an ex for several reasons, some of those reasons Greg got a chance to experience first hand during their friendship. 

I called my mother to give her the news since she had met my ex during a surprise birthday visit three years after I moved abroad. She asked me how I felt about the passing. I told her that I felt sad but nothing really more than that. My mother and the hubster (Eric), have experienced the death of former partners before. Those deaths were tragic in the manner of how they died. My mother’s ex died of suicide, and Eric’s, died of AIDS; it was the 80s. My ex died from heart-related complications, which wasn’t a shock knowing of his enjoyment of cigarettes and alcohol. 

I never wished anything ill of my ex when we parted. In fact, the breakup was actually amicable, initially. It only became ugly after he allowed friends of his to meddle in our business. To sum things up, I’ll just say, we both were looking for something else in that relationship. We each had ideas of what and who the other person was. And like all things in life, there were lessons learned. That relationship taught me so much about myself and what I won’t accept from a partner or any type of friendship moving forward. Luckily, the hubster and the ex are in no way similar in character, habits, or stature.

I feel fortunate to have been part of something that took me out of the country and introduced me to different parts of the world. That same curiosity I’ve shared with the hubster, and now he too has a love for travel, something that most Americans lack, or even have the desire to do because it takes them out of their comfort zone. Being with my ex provided me with an opportunity to learn more about our world. Prior to living abroad, my knowledge of geography outside the United States was shamefully and embarrassingly poor. I even made the mistake once of calling a group of Dutch (Holland) guys, Danish (Denmark). I think what I said was, “You Danish are so nice!” To my now more seasoned mind, I cringe. I was so geographically naive, I didn’t realize such historic and iconic places of Holland, Red Light District and Anne Frank House, were in Amsterdam until I was there. 

I have always believed that people come into and exit our lives for a reason. My ex-paramour wasn’t meant to be my Forever Boo, the hubster is my Number One (24 years, 6 weeks, 3 days,  and counting). Now that the Old Flame has officially gone out, I am forever grateful for that part of my homo-history and how it brought me to where I am today.

Rest in peace Edward Reginald Mitchell.