I Did This Thing

The pandemic took so much from us. 

It took our physical freedoms and forced us to shelter in place. It robbed businesses of revenues and smashed entrepreneurial dreams. Lastly, it took the lives of over a million Americans during this global tragedy. 

The Greek philosopher Plato originally etched the phrase, “Our need will be our creator”, which was later transcribed to, “Necessity is the mother of invention”. Like many of us during the pandemic, I was going stir crazy from isolation and the amount of misleading information floating around made my head spin. So much so, even my subconscious was being affected by the ambiguity and disorder of the times. My dreams tortured me with vivid and morbid imagery whereby I would awaken screaming in terror. This would also scare awake the “hubster” Eric. He would then have to calm me down to a point when we both could finally fall back to sleep again. This happened almost weekly and I couldn’t find a way to quiet my mind. All of the uncertainty of the times manifested nocturnal visions of morbid chaos at a time my body is supposed to rest and recharge.

At this time a writer friend, Janna Lopez, had organized and started a weekly (virtual) writing class via Facebook. I knew about Janna’s background through her other literary projects she’d done in Portland so I knew it wasn’t a waste of time but I did nothing. Weeks passed and I would see the notifications about the class popping up on my social feed. I was thinking of all the reasons to keep procrastinating from joining the class. The one reason that kept popping into my head was that I wasn’t a writer, or at least I didn’t consider myself to be one. This was a really weak excuse since I had previously written pieces that appeared in the Huffington Post but that still didn’t help. I always envisioned writers to possess academic credentials to back up their work, this wasn’t me. 

Finally after enough self-sabotage, I decided to log on. This was the very first time I had dedicated any energy into my writing. As I waited to be granted access into the class, I still doubted my worthiness to participate. It was at that moment of insecurity, my screen opened revealing 20 or so thumbnail images of participants in the Zoom class. Janna and other participants welcomed me and provided an overview of what to expect. Janna provided timed writing prompts for us to work from. When time was up, we were encouraged to share what we had written. The flow was easy and non-judgmental. I did feel a little intimidated by some of the other writers in the group, but as time went on that feeling faded away. With each class that I participated in, my confidence grew. I surprised myself by some of the pieces I was able to write in the short time allowed. I really looked forward to my weekly escape. The best part about being involved in the class was the fact that I was no longer suffering from nightmares. By participating in the weekly writing class, I was able to distract my mind from the gloom around. 

The class provided not only a way for me to exercise my mental muscles, but as weeks gave way to months, and then years, my writing got better. I was able to tap into parts of my psyche that I had never reached before. Then one evening Janna introduced poetry as our topic for class. All of the confidence I had previously felt went out the window. Poetry was absolutely something that knocked me off my feet. I was vehemently opposed to the idea of poetry because it never appealed to me. I always thought that poetry had to look and sound a certain way. My experiences with the artform were limited to the rhyming and flowery text, “Roses are red….”, something you’d see on a greeting card. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with this type of whimsical writing, it just never resonated with me. 

Well after allowing myself to “get over my own s@#t”, I became open to discovery and all I can say now is,  wow! I would share my work with Eric often without giving him the knowledge that I had composed the piece for feedback. When he asked who the author was, I knew that I had written something special. 

The poetry continued to help my regular (blog) writing too. It became more descriptive and sometimes even whimsical. Janna occasionally offers writer’s retreats to help writers focus on writing a book or getting over that “block” that prevents a person from writing. She encouraged me to attend several times and said that the focused retreats would be really helpful but there was always something preventing me from committing; some reasons actual and some not. Finally after enough nudging, the timing was right and I was able to attend a retreat at the farm of one of my writing classmates on Sauvie Island, 40 minutes from Portland. The property was beautiful and calming. There was something almost spiritual about this place; in this Field of Plenty. 

I spent the weekend with five other writers all at different stages of their writing journey. The night before we shared a meal to talk about the expectations and what we hoped to accomplish. In the morning we started out with a walk around the Field of Plenty to ground ourselves in this space. Janna instructed us to find a spot and write for 30 minutes about anything and everything we were experiencing at that moment. I don’t ever remember a time when I sat in a field and let my senses guide me. At first it was a bit awkward as I sat in the field thinking of what to write about. The morning was cool but the early morning sun provided warmth as it rose into the sky. As we convened for lunch, we chatted more about our goals as writers and more importantly the barriers keeping us from moving forward. My barrier was that I lacked confidence in my writing. Janna provided her insight and suggestions to help us hone our skills to get over that writer’s block.

As the final day began, I really felt charged with energy from the time spent with Janna and my fellow writers. It was at this moment when I vocalized my intention to set a project in motion, though I wasn’t sure how to go about making it happen. I decided that I wanted to write a book of poetry and have it be available in April of 2023. After I said those words aloud, it dawned on me that I was really putting myself out there if I could do it. Not only that, I had given myself roughly six months to pull this together. Since Janna had written a couple of books including a poetry collection, she offered to get me started. I didn’t realize how much work it would take to create and produce a book until I started researching it. The good news was that I had plenty of content for a book. The bad news was I had to review and edit all the pieces I planned on including. I didn’t want my book to be your standard pocket edition that could easily be lost. I wanted to create an artistic coffee table book; a poetic pictorial publication paired with beautiful images that complement my words. 

After many long evenings and weekends, I did this thing. I was able to publish my first book entitled, Live. Love. Leo. – Words from Modern Times. “Live. Love. Leo.” is a semi-biographical collection of 55 poems following a long journey of self-discovery and self-expression. These poems reflect thoughts, ideas, and observations on the ever-elusive pursuits of happiness; family; life; social (in)justices; political impacts; LGBTQAI2s+; and racism. 

The poetry is very personal, playful, funny, painfully expressive, visually descriptive, and emotionally haunting. “Live. Love. Leo.” honors Black people and anyone who may identify as LGBTQAI2s+. The book also contains original, custom artwork by my buddy and local Portland artist Chris McMurry.

I hope that anyone who reads this post will buy a copy (or two 😏); one to have and one to share🙂. It was a lot of work putting this book together and it’s also something I’m extremely proud of.  Live. Love. Leo. is available via most major retail outlets for online (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Walmart, etc.) or you can pick up a copy in stores now. 

If you get your copy, post a photo on your social media with the hashtag #liveloveleothebook and help me spread the word!